Questioning your sexuality is a totally normal human experience, and it’s something we’ve probably all done at some point. But if you live in a place that holds heterosexuality on a pedestal, it can be intimidating to freely explore who you truly are and what you really want. Enter: compulsory heterosexuality (comphet), the theory that heterosexuality is assumed and enforced by our society—that being straight is and should be the “default” sexual orientation.
Believing you were born straight—instead of exploring the possibility of being queer—isn’t unusual. Many of us have had Chappell Roan’s The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess album on repeat. And in addition to bouncing around your apartment to the music, you’ve probably noticed that many of Roan’s lyrics allude to her experience with comphet. The album is a glorious nod to LGBTQ+ culture, and many of the songs are about Roan’s experience dating men who just don’t cut it for her and choosing to pursue women instead.
So what does this mean for you and anyone questioning their sexuality? We tapped a team of therapists, mental health specialists, and those who’ve had their own experiences with comphet to weigh in on the term.
What does “comphet” mean?
Poet Adrienne Rich coined the term “compulsory heterosexuality” in a 1980s essay
—highlighting how it oppresses women “in the way it ties their sexual identities only to men, and the effects that has on personhood,” explains Michelle Forcier (she/they), MD, MPH, and FOLX Clinician.
Comphet shortens and combines two words: compulsory and heterosexuality. Compulsory means mandatory, suggesting that being straight isn’t just normal—it’s expected. “Comphet means that our culture makes very many assumptions about its norms and values that are in fact grossly pejorative and untrue,” explains Dr. Forcier. Learning about comphet helps people question if they’re truly straight—or if they were just influenced by society to be straight.
We’ve come a long way, but present-day society is still prone to falling back on heteronormative assumptions—and punishing people who “fall out of line.” “Pansexual, bisexual, lesbian or gay, asexual, and a whole host of varied and diverse sexualities are ‘othered,’” says Dr. Forcier, adding that this can lead to “visibility, shame, and exclusion.”
Comphet vs. heteronormativity: What’s the difference?
Comphet may sound a lot like heteronormativity, but the two are actually quite different, according to Monica Vermani (she/her), PhD, clinical psychologist and author of A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas.
“Compulsory heterosexuality [suggests] that the rigid roles women take on … are not natural but enforced by the rigid patriarchal society,” says Dr. Vermani. “Comphet reinforces the outdated ultra-feminine role of subordination and man-pleasing.” Heteronormativity, on the other hand, simply suggests that heterosexuality is the only “normal” expression of sexuality. “It is a definition, rather than a prescription,” explains Dr. Vermani.
Heteronormativity describes the way things are in society. Comphet describes the way society thinks things should be.
How is compulsory heterosexuality (comphet) harmful?
Any idea or concept that makes a group of people “feel othered,” may be harmful in many ways. The negativity can impact their personal safety, self-esteem, and their overall mental health. “Rules that control and dictate how men and women need to relate to each other according to restrictive, false, and antiquated patriarchal norms are inauthentic, and can cause both men and women a great deal of hurt and harm,” says Dr. Vermani.
Dr. Forcier suggests checking your own assumptions you’re making about yourself and others on a daily basis. When you make an assumption, you “imply value, and that value offers bias and opportunities for exclusion or discrimination,” says Dr. Forcier. “Comphet harms persons of diverse sexual identities and orientations, and contributes to a historically patriarchal value system and perspective.”
Put simply? “Bias harms everyone,” Dr. Forcier says.
Do you think you might be compulsorily heterosexual?
Natalie Kelley (she/her), who posts about the idea of compulsory heterosexuality on TikTok to her 100k+ followers says, “I first heard the term comphet from a queer therapist I had in 2021, and it completely changed my life. At the time I was confident in my attraction to women, but was starting to question if I ever even liked men in the first place.”
Kelley’s therapist asked her to read the “lesbian master doc” and told her to pay attention the part about comphet. “The document was the first thing that made me feel fully seen,” she says. “Realizing that others had also just sort of fallen into heterosexuality as I had because of societal norms and where I grew up made me release some of the shame for not understanding my sexuality sooner.”
Kelley isn’t alone in her experience. Lexie McEntire (she/her), content creator and author of Gay Enough, also describes going through something very similar. “When I first heard comphet explained, it was like the lights suddenly came on,” she explains. “I had never considered that I could have been experiencing a fierce desire to partner with men that wasn’t actually my own, but was scripted into me by a misogynistic and heteronormative society.”
McEntire started asking herself questions, like: Does this type of desire feel good to me? Does it feel natural? “It didn’t,” she says. “It felt compulsory.” McEntire also posts about the idea of comphet on TikTok, which is where discussion about the term subject has gained a lot of steam.
Wondering if you’ve labeled yourself as heterosexual due to the society you live in? Dr. Forcier and Dr. Vermani have great tips and questions to ask yourself if you think you could be leaning towards another sexual orientation.
Dr. Forcier recommends asking these questions. You can ask them aloud or journal them and explore what you’re feeling as you ponder.
- Do I need to know someone’s sexual orientation in order to feel comfortable around them, like or appreciate them, call them a colleague or friend? If so, what is that about? Why is that important to me?
- When someone looks different than me or has a different lifestyle than me, does it cause me concern?
- Do I have friends and family that are represented openly in the LGBTQIA+ community? Are they confident that I am 100% supportive of them?
- Why do I care about other people’s sexual preferences, sexual orientation, and sexual activities? What is that to me?
These thought starters can help you explore your own feelings and start the process of making sense of them.
“Our growth, happiness, and sense of well-being in the world come from being authentic,” says Dr. Vermani. “You minimize symptoms of anxiety and depression when you live authentically. It is important that we challenge our blueprints, behaviors, and beliefs. And most importantly, we need to understand that we need to prioritize our goals and well-being. We are here to live our lives on our terms, not terms dictated by outdated patriarchal constructs,” she adds.
Where to start if you want to explore if you’re comphet
First of all, take a deep breath. Being curious about comphet is already a great start. “You’re not stupid for being confused, or for not figuring this all out sooner,” shares McEntire. “When you listen to other women’s stories, you’ll find comphet to be such an understandable and widely shared experience.”
Kelly also explains that what kept her in the closet for so long was fear itself. “What helped me push past this fear the most was seeking out support from an LGBTQ+ therapist and finding queer spaces that made me feel validated in my questioning,” she tells StyleCaster. “Exploring queer spaces, queer books, queer music and queer shoes/movies helped me dip my toe into my queerness as I questioned, without having to include anyone else.”
We are here to live our lives on our terms, not terms dictated by outdated patriarchal constructs.
Monica Vermani, PhD
Both Dr. Focier and Dr. Vermani recommend seeking professional help if you want to explore the idea of another sexual orientation. Finding a therapist may seem intimidating, but many therapists on Psychology Today offer sliding scale appointments based on income and other factors. You can also look up different universities in your area and work with a psychology student (guided by a licensed professional) for a reduced rate. You can also try mental health apps like Better Help or Talk Space to get a feel for therapy virtually.
Finding the right therapist may take a few tries—it’s sort of like dating! If a conversation feels judgmental or forced, you’re likely not a good match with your therapist. Keep exploring until you find someone who can work with you in a way that’s beneficial to you.
“Therapy to explore any psychological distress or bias is definitely helpful in sorting through how to live a good life and be a good person,” says Dr. Forcier. She also notes that in therapy, you will likely explore how you grew up, how and what you learned about sex as a kid, how you experimented with sex as a youth and adult, and what being sexual means to you.
